life and death

so i'm not sure how i'm supposed to be happy for my wedding right now. it's beginning to just feel like the next major stress in my life. one huge thing to worry about, that gets in the way of spending time with those i will not be able to see for much longer.

aunt sue is not doing well. i can see it, the doctors and my parents say it. it's not pretty, grotesque.

never should i be has happy and excited as i should be now, the weeks before my wedding. but i'm not. i'm grieving grandma's death on saturday and the fact that aunt sue won't last forever.

God?

yup

no amount of wishing brings dan closer, or anything closer, really. i want to be closer to finding my job or school, at least where i'm going to end up. anything. i'm not angry or upset. just impatient i suppose, a little too curious to sit around waiting for stuff to happen.

i want huge excitement, fireworks in my life. i've always wanted things like that, and for most of my life it's happened, i think i got too used to it during college. now i'm slightly bored.

i wish i lived right next to dan. it's not even that i have to be married right now, it just want to be close enough to him that we can hang out and laugh together, not over some satellite signal thrust through the thin winter air. he makes my life warm, hot at times, but always warm and comfortable. he knows how to make me feel confident and humble all at the same time. how to love and discern. how to pray and to trust. hope.

maybe i could just kidnap him!

i'm sitting here not knowing what to do with my time or evening b/c all i really want to do is hang out with dan.

when dreams dissapate (into a frozen smog)

i guess i'm not really sure what to say at the moment. i'm scared because it doesn't look i got an "easy way out" of waitressing this weekend, no big grad school offers. partly i hate that everyone keeps telling me that they "just know i'll do great, and i'll get something." i hate it because it's not true, they don't know, i don't know, and no one realizes the huge compeition that is out there.

i've already begun asking myself the "what if..." questions. a different piece? less nerves? less sucking at acting? it's also a little hard because i've never had anything this huge slap me in the face before. i wanted to go to europe, i got into the program, i wanted to major in theatre, i got cast and did much more than i thought i could, i wanted an internship, got an acting job out of it. all of these things are awesome blessings, of which i am so thankful.

however, this "real life" aspect is going to take a little getting used to. it's scary as hell. not that i don't trust God, but i hate thinking about how long i'll have to waitress, or how long it will be until i can find a job i actually enjoy. God knows the desires of my heart, he is a good God and i believe the blesses people by filling those joys with occupation. but at the moment it's a little hard to figure out.

five days of nervousness, coldness, and getting rejected is more than just physically exhuasting. i've wanted nothing more than a good cry now for about five days. yet i have to keep smiling, trying not to let on to the intense dissapointment i have experianced. dissapointent isn't just fixed with a boyfriend, or a loving family, or a couple of bible verses. i'm not sure what fixes it, but i have it, and i wish it would go away.

i feel like i've let people down at home, school, the theatre. everywhere. like i've been tricking myself into thinking i had enough talent to get into grad school and do this professionally. either i've been lied to for the past four years or i don't even know what.

on the one hand, i'm looking to get into grad school because i know i need a lot more training in this area. i want to be the best, simply because i'm doing my best. i'm not perfect yet, that's why i need school, yet here i am, with not even enough to get into a training program.

oh dear, this all sounding much more dismal than i would like. i hate sounding depressed or hopeless, in part because i rarely am. i'm not sure how to handle myself aound others when i'm like this. it's too much for me to say i'm super bummed, but anything else feels like a lie.

but God continues to be faithful, like the skillet song, and i'll keep doing......something. whatever it may be until i find the next "thing".

dan

i miss dan. so badly. i want to be right next to him, so close that that when i blink our eyelashes brush, or when i sigh i feel him next to me, or when i twitch we bump into each other and when i smile he can feel it with his own smile.

love

1 John 4 is one of the most devestatingly beautiful chapters I have ever discovered. It's amazing how life will illuminate new aspects of God's character, and last night I must have been in the right frame of mind and emotion to scrap the surface of God's mind-crushing love.

9 months later

i did not give birth, although it's strange that i give birth in the show i'm in right now. weird.

no, what i mean is, it's been 9 months since a certain Daniel Tello and I decided we were dating. it had pretty much happend already, but on that day in history we went on our first of many glorious dates.

i love him for more than just the dates. i love him because he urges me to be more like Christ, to love more purely, to work harder, to be a better person and to have fun.

he teaches me what mercy should look like, what faithfulness is becoming and what eternity will feel like. the best part is, it's only been 9 months. i have a million more left to live with him.

i wish i could arrange the words on the screen and all the art in the louve and all the mountains in switzerland to spell out the glorious love God has given me through Daniel.

i guess that's what being in love is like for me.

irk

so...i've been irked today. not entirely sure why.

i really want to move out. not that i hate my family, but i find myself easily irritate by the small things. i want my own space to with what i will, my own schedule, my own pace, my own music, my own dirty dishes. yes, i realize how horrifically selfish that is. i must learn to be more grateful. but right now i'm having a damn hard time.

i miss friends. close friends. erin's gone, matt is impossible to get a hold of. dan is hours away, and like him, all my other friends are only accessible by phone.

when i'm in the theatre i am really really happy. i love it there. when out of the theatre i think about running away. moving to europe, having a huge adventure. oh i know it wouldn't be easy, but i need something (or more people) to break up the mundane. when i'm waitressing i want to be in the theatre. when i'm at home i want to be in the theatre or with friends, real life eating, breathing, speaking people.

right now that's not what God has given me. i am unbelievably thankful for the theatre, it is my saving grace at the moment. and for dan, he helps me to laugh at the end of the day, i can talk to him, really talk to him about stuff, and he gives me a reason to keep doing my hated job. we will be destitute and unmarried for a long time if i do not.

i know that my state of mind right now is selfish, i don't like it. but i'm frustrated. i feel grown up, trapped in a kid's house, but really that's the only way for the time being.

i can't lie....europe seems like paradise to me right now. an adventure of acclimation does not wear off quickly.

God grant me grace.