it’s all this shit on here that makes me feel the way I do and I suppose it’s right to do so. I can handle that part, the part I despise is how it makes you feel. I would go back and undo every single thing just so I wouldn’t have to hear the hurt in your voice. you’re allowed to feel that way, entitled, I should hope it would, but it doesn’t change the fact that it tares me up every time. I am glad you are the only one who reads this.
I’ve debated deleting everything on here for a long time. I’ve dealt with God about this stuff, but I suppose keeping it will always remind me of what not to do with the rest of my life, although keeping it means you will always have a tangible reminder of pain.
I want to make a few things clear. 100% honest. no guy has ever seen me naked. I’ve had enough sense, sober and drunk, not to let that happen, despite what some things may imply nor have I ever had sex. I am dead set on waiting for that one. waiting until marriage and if God doesn’t allow that, perhaps never, as much as that would suck.
Breakfast at Tiffany’s is unfortunately too similar to my life, maybe that’s why I like it, or find it so tragic. Holly is so independent she can do anything, with anyone without the slightest sense of remorse or guilt. and I felt much the same way. I was single, independent, had a head full of crazy ideas no one at Cedarville could seem to relate to, I was homesick for England, for friends in California, for all the things that had brought me alive the middle of my sophomore year.
those good things went bad, I was dead set on my freedom and that freedom meant I could do whatever the hell I wanted to because I didn’t care about anyone else, or hardly myself. my roommate had life perfectly together, she wouldn’t understand. Cedarville seemed claustrophobic, how could they get me? tori told me she had dated a girl, crystal was so depressed she talked about suicide, my closest friends drank and smoked and had sex all the time and abbey was doing all the same things I was.
I wanted to change, I wanted the want to change. I prayed hard, constantly, because I didn’t have enough will power to do anything different myself. as soon as was “good” for a while, a month, two months, two weeks, whatever I would find myself bored with nothing better to do than play with the next thing that came along. and I was okay with it most of the time because they wanted to play too. I didn’t care enough about them, nor they me, or me of myself to take a step back and evaluate my life.
by Christmas break things started getting better. somehow God started doing something. the stupid flirting with kyle became sad and pathetic to me, other guys seemed like a waste of time. I realized while I was home I didn’t miss doing any of the stuff I had been doing. here at home I hung out with my best friends who loved me the way I was and cared enough to invest in me in a healthy way. I hung out with friends from work for a drink or two while we discussed God’s role in pain and suffering. I focused on acting on art on discovering a world outside of the hedonism I was so familiar.
back at school for spring semester abbey and I finally sat down and confronted each other. we were so concerned about the other and promised to hold each other accountable not to make out with boys or do stupid stuff. we wanted to change. finally. I don’t know what did it…well…I guess God. there was no answer other than that. but we did it Dan. I did it, for the most part she did it. we didn’t put ourselves in compromising social situations and tagged along with each other to make sure things stayed kosher.
I was finally free from myself, from my own freedom. I didn’t care what people may have thought about me anymore, drinking friends or sober friends. I wanted art in all parts of my life. and yes I screwed up over spring break, and not that it excuses it, but it was completely unintentional and accidental. I got drunk, I got sick, I went to bed, that was it. I hate that it happened and I’m intensely sorry.
and then you happened. quietly, beautifully, without expectation. I liked you, that was it. I never once considered what it would be like to be your girlfriend, be next to you in life sharing your experiences. the hours we spent together, most significantly the time you looked at all the art with me, and when we stayed up the whole night just talking and then the night of crystal’s birthday when we went to covered bridges. it was just fun to spend time with you.
I wasn’t surprised when you told me you liked me, but I was stunned when I stopped to consider the boy I was falling in love with would all too soon find out everything I had ever done. I wanted you to know. but I was scared, scared that it would be too much, that you’d be disgusted and give up when you realized that what I am now is hardly what I was.
I was scared by your “goodness” and that even if you did forgive me you wouldn’t understand or relate and I would feel as if I was trying to live up to a more godly individual that had somehow reminded pure in life. believe me I was so thankful you had been spared all that I had put myself through, but at the same time I couldn’t breath knowing it would come as a shock.
it came. the first storm is over. it wasn’t fun, it was highly unpleasant but you’re still there loving me. I have never doubted your love, but at times I don’t understand how you continue loving me. but I force myself to stop asking “why?” and thank God that he has seen fit to redeem me and restore my relationships and on top of it all has given me the most incredible person on the entire plant.
I will love you the rest of my life and from the night you told me you liked me, my gray hair and everything, I vowed I would never hurt you. that’s impossible I know. but I truly want to love you sacrificially and as humbly as possible. I’m learning a lot about love. I knew nothing of it before. I’m learning to give, to share, to be honest, to be concerned. there is so much left for me to be taught, by you, by life, by God.
I’m not sure what entirely the point was of all this other than to let you know exactly my thoughts. I wanted to tell you all this over the phone but there wasn’t time nor were my thoughts organized enough to come through the tears I was crying. thank you for striving for purity in life. I admire that and appreciate what it has done for me. i thank God that we can do this together, fight for our minds and our bodies in a beautiful dance with the Creator of life and of our love.
I love you Daniel Tello. intensely and as purely as God allows. I pray for you and us and thank Christ for his abundant forgiveness and a chance for love I never fathomed. now I will dry my face, take my now soaked teddy bear and try to sleep with the comfort of Christ’s supreme love and yours. thank you. that’s all I can say. thank you dan.
love,
bekah
