irk

so...i've been irked today. not entirely sure why.

i really want to move out. not that i hate my family, but i find myself easily irritate by the small things. i want my own space to with what i will, my own schedule, my own pace, my own music, my own dirty dishes. yes, i realize how horrifically selfish that is. i must learn to be more grateful. but right now i'm having a damn hard time.

i miss friends. close friends. erin's gone, matt is impossible to get a hold of. dan is hours away, and like him, all my other friends are only accessible by phone.

when i'm in the theatre i am really really happy. i love it there. when out of the theatre i think about running away. moving to europe, having a huge adventure. oh i know it wouldn't be easy, but i need something (or more people) to break up the mundane. when i'm waitressing i want to be in the theatre. when i'm at home i want to be in the theatre or with friends, real life eating, breathing, speaking people.

right now that's not what God has given me. i am unbelievably thankful for the theatre, it is my saving grace at the moment. and for dan, he helps me to laugh at the end of the day, i can talk to him, really talk to him about stuff, and he gives me a reason to keep doing my hated job. we will be destitute and unmarried for a long time if i do not.

i know that my state of mind right now is selfish, i don't like it. but i'm frustrated. i feel grown up, trapped in a kid's house, but really that's the only way for the time being.

i can't lie....europe seems like paradise to me right now. an adventure of acclimation does not wear off quickly.

God grant me grace.