all the "whys"

life has been strange recently. i'm experiencing thoughts, emotions, questions and situations unfamiliar and far from understood. the last time things were this similar was after i graduated from highschool and had to work. i didn't really have a clue as to what would come next, i knew college and in a few months i had made my decision to attend cedarville, somewhat begrudingly. it wasn't until nearly halfway through my freshman year that i sensed that this was where God really did want me.

again i'm back to searching, trying to figure out what is next because i'm afraid the longer i wait to figure it out the more hopeless and frustrated i will become. adventures are my food, expectation keeps me running through the mediocre and hope pumps through my blood. without these i begin to feel limp, out of place, complacent.

i want nothing more than to do theatre in whatever form that may be. but in order to make money i see waitressing as my only option and that is hardly suitable to theatre schedules so it seems a catch-22.

i try to remind myself that God knows the desires of my heart, he knows my hopes, my talents, my weaknesses. for whatever reason he has me still for the time being. i almost said "on pause" but i realized that with God things should never be on pause. even if i'm not "going" i should still be moving, moving around the people i work with, my friends and my own dance with Christ.

on top of the general life and God questions i find my love for Dan weighing heavy in everything. this particularly is something i have never experienced. it's strange and wonderful to have another person so entwined in my life that i cannont have an hour go by that i do not think of him, or make a major decision (and minor ones too) that does not include implications for him.

and distance. i've always loved distance, distance means adventures, europe, new friends, strange things and places. right now distance means my very soul misses his presence, physical in person for conversations and silence, for prayers and questions, for daytimes and nighttimes, for hugs and for kisses.

yet again in this i know God provides and cares and will use this to build and strengthen even though in my mind it seems the worst way possible. i used to think that i would grow more used to the distance, to the missing him, but as it's proven to be it's gotten worse. every day i'm more in love, and not just with my emotions. it goes far beyond those or anything really, even intellect. love is creeping across my skin and the electricity in my head and through the fibers of my muscles and across the prayers i speak to God. it's everywhere and it's changing my life.

the other weird thing about this stage in my life is that i feel like crying all the time. like i'm permanently pms-ing or something, if i even knew what that was like. i rarely get emotional, not even when i have my period. but now when life is heavier than i'd like it to be and Dan is hours away instead of one minute away i find myself more vulnerable to myself and to life.

and maybe that's exactly it. vulnerable.

Fold Zandura has some things to say about this that sort of sums up my thoughts.

these are the first words i'll say
into the dark of today
you are my first love at last
now that time is slipping so fast

wait for might
after my strength has fallen
wait for hope to rise
wait for life
to rush in the air i'm breathing
if you help me through i'll try

and of course i should remember "how faint the whisper we hear of Him."