my boyfriend

i think dan is awesome and hilarious.

a new week

i am throughly in love with Dan. forever.

God has chosen to bless me tangibly, in ways i never asked for. I am not deserving, buti am thankful.

this week

i've been replaced by a television show. on dvd no less.

marriage can be scary

marriage scares me. i should say, aspects of it scare me.

i hate the fact that i AM going to exasperate my husband to the point of total rage and frustration. my kids will be fed up and scream at me because i cannot see past my own inabilities and selfishness to communicate and treat them fairly.

i hate that my husband will say and do hurtful things to me and my kids that will make me cry, and that he will be unloving. i will be unloving. we will be self centered and fight.

after 25 years of marriage i see that this still happens to my parents. my dad makes my mom cry when he can't get past how he's feeling to actually talk to my siblings in a gentle manner on the most excited day of their young lives. it's better now than it used to be. but it still happens. i see my mom's annoying communication habits irk my dad and frustrate all of us kids.

yet, despite that i know there is love. sometimes it's just hard to see why people who love each other so intensly do that to each other. maybe it's because they love each other and want the best for the other that they get angry and up front. i don't know.

i have no illusions that marriage will be perfect or easy. i look foreward to waking up only inches away from the man i find more attractive and funny than any one else on earth. i can't wait to have adventures and not have to wait for a phone call to share my day with him. i want to travel and be poor and have inside jokes and have water fights in the summer and days where clothes are optional.

but....when i think about the tricky parts i get scared. not that i'll stop loving him or that i'll want to quit, because those are never an option. but that i will fail to be patient and loving and gentle. i guess as long as i fight to stay close to God, He will provide grace when i (and we) are not deserving.

grace makes a marriage, more than love, more than hate, i believe God's grace is the key.

may i become more full of grace even now.

oh life

things are weird today. i've been bored, with honestly nothing to do because everything i need/want to work on requires time and concentration and with the fam running around packing and me helping it is not condusive to writing play reviews. or thinking. or maybe too much thinking.

i feel so bummed out for some reason. yes, i really wanted to see dan today and knew he wouldn't be able to make down after camp and stuff but there was still a part of me that was begging him to come despite what common sense was screaming deep inside my ears.

sometimes i wish i didn't miss him so badly, it would make being bored that much less depressing. although i've decided all the college packing isn't helping to improve my spirits because half my siblings are leaving, several of my friends are going back or are moving and i again feel left and stuck. i don't want to feel and think this away, but i don't want to hide it from the people i care most about.

it was good talking to chrissy last night and erin. i need them. i need dan. i need my family. i need kate and will and katie brady and crystal. so many people i miss. i miss england. it really felt like home and that's no lie.

i wish every week with God was like a week ago because even though i was aware life sucked i was finding my joy in him and my hope. now....this week i'm blagh. why can't i be consistant.

i need to tithe. i keep forgetting. i want to tithe.

i feel like crying. maybe i'll do that tonight. it might feel good. i keep getting jealous of everyone. that needs to stop. i want God to change the way i feel and think and function because it's keeping me from fully enjoying other people's joys which i want to be part of.

ahhhhhhhh why am i so selfish God??? i really really really don't want to be like this, yet i keep falling into this trap every time i get frustated with life. there is so much for me to be thankful for yet i seem blind, my heart and emotions seem blind to the blessings and lessons God has given me these past few weeks.

i have an internship, i have a job, i have friends (albeit far away), i have a boy that loves God and loves me. i have a mind, it's summer, i have eyes and ears and legs and arms and skin to sense every crack of sunshaft on my body and tingles of wind and bristles of smells.

that's a lot. that's a life. and somehow i fail to see it.

God, open my every thing!! i'm sick of this. sick of me.