marriage can be scary

marriage scares me. i should say, aspects of it scare me.

i hate the fact that i AM going to exasperate my husband to the point of total rage and frustration. my kids will be fed up and scream at me because i cannot see past my own inabilities and selfishness to communicate and treat them fairly.

i hate that my husband will say and do hurtful things to me and my kids that will make me cry, and that he will be unloving. i will be unloving. we will be self centered and fight.

after 25 years of marriage i see that this still happens to my parents. my dad makes my mom cry when he can't get past how he's feeling to actually talk to my siblings in a gentle manner on the most excited day of their young lives. it's better now than it used to be. but it still happens. i see my mom's annoying communication habits irk my dad and frustrate all of us kids.

yet, despite that i know there is love. sometimes it's just hard to see why people who love each other so intensly do that to each other. maybe it's because they love each other and want the best for the other that they get angry and up front. i don't know.

i have no illusions that marriage will be perfect or easy. i look foreward to waking up only inches away from the man i find more attractive and funny than any one else on earth. i can't wait to have adventures and not have to wait for a phone call to share my day with him. i want to travel and be poor and have inside jokes and have water fights in the summer and days where clothes are optional.

but....when i think about the tricky parts i get scared. not that i'll stop loving him or that i'll want to quit, because those are never an option. but that i will fail to be patient and loving and gentle. i guess as long as i fight to stay close to God, He will provide grace when i (and we) are not deserving.

grace makes a marriage, more than love, more than hate, i believe God's grace is the key.

may i become more full of grace even now.